SOSSRI
July 11th.
I needed to take a rest day today.
I legitimately took a rest day today.
I only rode the bike to get coffee and for the sake of making my daughters happy.
A total of 4 miles max.
I feel agitated.
In the same way that… I’d feel agitated if I didn’t have a beer.
In fact, at one point today I thought
“Ah a beer sounds nice.”
But then I realized… it’s just whatever this state of existence is that made me feel that way…
If I put a bib on, grab my helmet, and head to the hills for an hour or so, my mood would quickly be corrected.
But I need to legitimately take a rest day.
This is…
Puzzling.
Why is my brain wired this way?
There is an obvious something missing, something that is not being internally produced that leaves me in search of…
Searching…
Searching for serotonin?
It’s absurd how one little molecule … one simple chemical, maybe a couple fucked up receptors can drive you to ride your bike hundreds of miles a week or search for its effects in hazy IPA’s…
If I remember correctly, externally administered oxytocin significantly reduces one's desire to shoot heroin up.
I wouldn’t know first hand… but you consider the implications of that study and realize that heroin addicts really just … need a hug.
Some things are very simple…
Maybe more than a single hug…
A lifetime of hugs.
Enough hugs to make you stop searching for the feeling elsewhere.
Addiction…
Is an interesting thing.
Not as … hmmm
Not as repulsive (for the lack of better words) as it seems when you realize that one is simply searching for a feeling that their brain may be struggling to provide on its own.
You realize… that the brain is being pulled to treat itself in the manner it knows best…
Whatever may be easiest for it…
The path of least resistance in a sense.
If you lived a life devoid of hugs, devoid of love and … one day find that feeling in a needle… well…
some things are very simple.
But nobody should be driven to that point.
So..
With all that being said, I guess I’m …
Grateful that taking a rest day left me only a little agitated.
I’ll score some serotonin tomorrow.