A Life Lived...
Okay.
It’s May 27th.
I pulled the Knight of Pentacles.
The moon is waxing gibbous.. in Scorpio.
I feel good on the bike again.
Did Bonnell reps this morning.
Five of em.
On the fourth descent, I turned in front of some dude on a gravel bike.
He asked if we were racing…
“Eh.. I’m on my fifth one man.”
“it’s fine, I’m on a gravel bike.”
“well I guess all is fair.”
We rode past the tennis courts, turned on to the bridge.
“alright here we go.”
And I fucking stretched that hill.
He gained a little bit when it turned to the false flat, but I still had a lot in the tank…
So I burned some… and my legs felt strong.
I remembered him being much closer but when I turned around… he was nowhere in sight.
I could’ve just vanished into my descent but I slow rolled it just to make sure ol boy was good.
He popped up over the hill maybe a minute later, he was on a gravel bike.
“You’re flying man…”
“Thanks.”
“See you next wednesday?”
“We’ll see haha.”
I’m getting my bike legs back.
It feels fucking goooooooood.
The bike feels pleasurable again like I can just put it wherever I want.
I’m getting my confidence back.
This is the shit.
We’ll see how far I can take myself. Maybe get some books on training and try to take it even further.
Need a musette bag however so I can start handing out bread on my way to the hills.
Also starting to figure this music out too.
Need a drum machine.
Digitakt when the time is right.
Techno is way more fun than trying to… make songs.
Feeeeling is believing.
The bike, the music, the bread.
Feeling is believing.
Pasta. Feeling is believing.
All the things I love to do… all make you feel.
I was thinking on the bike earlier about business.
Business doesn’t make you feel.
The left brain world we’ve descended into.
Oldner sent a McGilchrist quote this morning.
“A purely left-brain world would mistake the map for the territory, measurement for meaning, and control for wisdom.”
Yeah. Isn’t that a fucking trip.
One last thought because I am going to be here before 10:15 today…
Gosh..
Thought before the thought. Writing feels so much better sober and I said it once before… Ignored myself but this thought here is connected to the thought I had anyway so here…
I had therapy today, I was under the belief that my therapist was a substance abuse specialist. He only had a background in substance abuse…
This came up because I had told him how I got sober and how I was wondering why I’d been paired with a substance abuse specialist…
After me briefing him on my past two weeks of life the ups and downs for nearly 15 minutes.. the first thing he says to me is
“One thing… we should cover. I’m not a substance abuse specialist, you didn’t get paired with me… for that reason.. that just so happens to be a coincidence… Nobody was pulling any strings or… setting you up for anything… we do have a SUDS counselor but she sees everybody… I”m not a specialist, I just interned in that field in order to get into grad school. Just a coincidence.”
Sure.
A purely left-brain world would also deny the one coincidence that sets someone free from their self-imposed prison.
Giggles.
Even a name is participatory.