5-formyltetrahydrofolate
It’s June 25th.
Waxing Gibbous in Scorpio.
100 Days pulling cards.
On the hundredth day, the devil finally exposes himself.
Maybe there’s some things to address.
Bound but with the liberation to move on and free one’s self.
Maybe more of the day needs to be lived before I start jumping to conclusions.
100 Days pulling cards and today the devil finally exposes himself.
I went to the grocery store to gather the necessary ingredients for a Colombian chicken stew we enjoy.
One whole chicken
Four tomatoes
Onions
Gold potatoes
You butcher the chicken, quarter the onions, crush the tomatoes, cube the potatoes, salt liberally, add a bay leaf and mix it all in Dutch oven.
Set it to low heat and cover it then go on about your day…
There were two women in front of me at the checkout line, an older woman with two cold-pressed juices, a bag of trailmix, and a root beer directly in front of me.
The woman in front of her being rung up had 3 tall boys and was wearing a Disney princess backpack.
“I need to get a pack of cigarettes too.”
“Which ones?”
“The Marlboro red hundreds”
“That’s $14.83”
The older woman in front of me perks her head up …
“Ma’am you paying $14 for three beers?”
“Oh no, I got cigarettes too.”
“Lord, I’m glad I kicked those habits when I did… How many cigarettes you get in a pack?”
“Twenty”
“Ooo.. They ain’t never cost me that much..”
“As long as I don’t share with anybody it ain’t so bad. I’ll smoke half of one, clip it, and get back to it when I need it. I make em last.”
“God bless.”
The woman with the Disney princess bag loaded her three tallboys into her backpack and pocketed her cigarettes…
“Y’all take care.”
“You too hun.”
The older lady proceeded on in line to get her items scanned..
She turns to the cashier and simply states
“Addiction…”
as she shakes her head…
“It’s terrifying what those cigarettes do to people’s teeth.. My pawpaw smoked, they rotted his teeth away and he had to get prosthetics.”
“And how long did he end up living for…”
The cashier stops to think for a second.
“Not very long…”
“It’s a scary thing watching people do that to themselves… can I get just one of the small bags?”
The veil is thin.
I sit here 45 days sober, free of ties to any substances, but I don’t think I can say I sit here without any addictions.
My relationship with cycling, though much healthier than anything else I can be doing seems still to be one rooted in masochistic tendencies.
Many of the things I do, the actions I carry out seem to come from a place of … uncovering how much pain one can tolerate.
The feeling of … navigating through and escaping an immense amount of pressure and pain.
“Never put yourself in a situation you can’t get out of”
Well… what can’t I get out of?
“Once you’re out of that situation, don’t put yourself back in it.”
But now… I know I can get out of it?
The joys of being too smart for one’s own good…
It seems that in my journey to be bound to no one, bound to nothing, free from the… bondage of society and its … whatever the fuck…
I’ve found that I’m bound to a … delusion of what makes me, who I am.
A love for the journey rather than the destination because the journey is … hard.
The journey hurts.
The destination, the relief…
The absence of feeling the pain?
How does one find themselves addicted to … pleasure?
How does one find themselves addicted to pleasure when pain has been pleasurable for so long?
Too smart for one’s own good.
Knowing exactly all the right steps to take, all of the … right choices to make, but having a brain wired to make it harder for one’s self because the feeling of survival is… more pleasurable than… things just going right.
There’s learned helplessness and then there’s just …
a desire to …
…
defuse the self-destruct timer at the absolute last possible second even though there was never a need for the timer to be activated…
Weird.
Toxoplasmosis.
Toxoplasmosis would make much more sense…
Way more sense than consciously fumbling one’s free will…
Consider yourself dewormed.