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June 28th.

Two thousand twenty six.

Waxing gibbous in capricorn.

I've published … every day for a month now.

Pulled the seven of swords this morning.

I think…

It's worth revisiting exactly what it was I set out to do here.

I once drafted a thesis to make … better sense of it all, to better explain it to whomever may have asked but maybe now that we're here… 100 or so days in..

Maybe it will now make more sense.

To you.

"It's no coincidence that I've arrived at this point. I've been here all my life on either a quest to retain this perspective or either regain it.

Zooming out, I see that all the pieces have always been in play for me to only ever arrive back at this point.

The light. The… knowing.

I don't know exactly what it is or what to call it, I just know that it is.

That seems to be the greater point of the following testimony and all that follows from it.

I don't believe that consciousness is something that we have as much as it is something we participate in. I do believe this very point is made clear in the idea of the "great awakening". Staying woke.

These are all things that exist in our lexicon but when you actually take the time to examine what it is to wake up, the idea of an awakening, you realize it isn't so much gaining something as much as it is just choosing to observe it in a different light.

This is echoed through many esoteric teachings.

The monk removing himself from it all isn't obtaining anything as much as they're just bringing themselves back closer to what it is that consciousness is on their terms.

Stick with me as this is somewhat difficult to put into words.

There's this great duality that exists all throughout humanity. Yin and yang, good and evil, McKenna's idea of dominator and collaborator, McGilchrist's master and the emissary, left hemisphere and right hemisphere.

It seems that in a million different ways people have tried to describe what is this ultimate split.

I don't necessarily believe it to be good and evil.

I think as stated before, it's something beyond words.

Words in fact seem to be the trap that remove us from this.

Words seem to reduce whatever this is into something that isn't.

It may be best if we analyze this through the left and right hemispheres of the brain as it seems to be the one micro/macrocosm that best paints the picture I'm struggling to paint here.

The left hemisphere seeks to analyze, critique, and categorize everything it sees. I'd argue it doesn't necessarily want you to enjoy anything as it finds its enjoyment in dissecting reality. On the other hand, the right hemisphere seems to just enjoy. It sees the bigger picture, it feels.

I wouldn't argue that one side is more important than the other, however it seems that we've allowed the left hemisphere to seize control of the throne and in doing so, we've lost connection to the right hemisphere's way of processing the world.

The left brain seems to have hijacked the right brain's processing by analyzing and critiquing it, searching for some tangible way to describe what exactly it does.

I think what the right hemisphere does is the participation. The left hemisphere seeks to "have".

The right hemisphere feels and it isn't always that what you feel can be described. This doesn't make what you feel any less real but if consciousness is participatory, feeling seems like it would be a very important method of navigation throughout it.

We seek to put into words what God, Love, and Fear are but there aren't any.

This seems to be the battle of the left hemisphere and the right hemisphere. Trying to interpret God in an overanalytical sense rather than allowing the feelings and essence of the spirit to clearly convey the message.

We've allowed ourselves to conflate emotions with feelings which has stripped us of one of the most useful features of our perspective. We put ourselves in the trap of trying to explain that which doesn't need to be explained.

We've moved further and further away from the ancient knowledge that seems to have connected us to the participatory layer. At the end of the day, there is no hard tangible way to make sense of ritual, divination, prayer, running, music, the trance state. Any attempt to make sense of them simply makes a mockery of them.

You can think yourself into or out of a feeling but if you never learned any language is this still possible?

The left hemisphere wants so badly for everything to be understood on its terms, it's easily digestible quips of information. However those quips are only as reliable as the structure on which they're formed. A fact is a fact because it's decided it's a fact that can be proved, but a feeling can be just as factual but disproved because it can't be conveyed. We've all experienced gut feelings before, goosebumps, premonitions even. We've experienced these feelings and acted on them with no "left hemisphere" basis to justify them only to see that we were right. Odd.

The weight of tarot, astrology, divination, magick all once had so much power in the experience of humanity. They were the major drivers in decisions being made. Again, there isn't any analysis that can be done to make these things make sense in a scientific mind. It's all what one perceives, what one can take away from it.

Science will tell you that this is the Barnum effect, that if something is vague enough, it can be applied to anyone's line of thinking. But it isn't thinking that drives these things. It's feeling. There's a moment in which one can see why their horoscope is indicative of their life at the moment which only they know, it may exist for only a moment until the left brain proceeds to think its way into or out of the feeling but nonetheless, there's still a moment in which the right brain participates in consciousness through these things.

It's our constant dissection of the great design that only further desecrates its true beauty.

Beauty is a perfect concept to explore this perspective through.

Beauty I believe is something that is the ultimate proof of God. When describing why something is beautiful, it's only so long before you can't find the words to explain any further. You feel what beauty is. Same with love. Same with fear.

The more time spent trying to put into words what these concepts are the further we get away from the actual feeling of what they are.

As contradictory as this is, this is an attempt to capture what exactly this all is. In living my life, I seek to not necessarily use the words to explain what consciousness is, but to capture my participation.

All things considered, humans being human and constructing our reality, our worlds, it seems that if one pays just enough attention, it can be captured in a way that doesn't need to be explained but can be felt.

As stated before, it's no coincidence that I find myself here in this position. Tasked with this mission.

I've searched for greater meaning for long enough and have allowed myself to feel much more. What started as a mere thought has become a complete perspective on life as a whole."

I wrote this then that evening dreamed the following…

"I had this dream last night in which I perfectly articulated my thesis to some woman I was sharing a table with at a restaurant.

I don't think I perfectly articulated it vocally, however from the feeling of the dream, I knew I had gotten my point across.

I remember something along the lines of "Consciousness is participatory and in our attempts to define what consciousness is, we only move further away from understanding it."

That actually may sum up my entire point just fine."

It makes perfect sense that this started as a once per week publication… with structured, executed essays…

And arrived at this point where… every day, I just show up in some form and write streams of consciousness that seem to be part of a narrative but also … not at all.

Merely documenting…

My participation.